Welcome to the news conference.

Firstly, we are very happy to announce that a Covid vaccine has now been approved for use in the UK. This has been a welcome piece of good news for everyone, I’m sure. My Grandma is particularly happy because I promised her she’d be first in line to get it, due to me writing the priority lists. Of course, we will ensure a fair system of priority for the more vulnerable members of the population getting access to the vaccine. After my Gran.

Secondly, with all good news comes the bad news. Although you’ve probably only been used to getting the bad news actually happening without any good news recently–even if it was promised–this time there is definitely a lot of good news actually happening first. And it’s actually believable good news as it’s based on science, not the previous type of good news which was based on making out there wasn’t any really bad news and everything was all being managed competently despite evidence to the contrary.

The media has been reporting that the vaccine needs to be kept in strict temperature controlled conditions of -70° and this is true. This is also bad news, because it creates so many ways this could all go tits up for a Government that has managed to turn a whole county into a customs lorry park and gives billions of pounds of medical supply contracts to companies that have only existed for a week, just because their CEO was on the same cricket team as the Minister’s at school once.

So the Government has devised a simple method of distributing the vaccine in large quantities to the people that need it most.

Instead of the cost involved in sending out many millions in doses of refrigerated vaccines, the Government has given Serco, the highly efficient tax money blackhole company, £8 billion. The vaccine will all be kept in a large storage warehouse at the required temperature and people will need to drive to the vaccination centre. They then need to enter the preparation warehouse, where they will be put on a trolley, put in a fridge unit and cooled down to -70°.

Then, when ready, a highly trained operative–who was packing turkeys only last week and now, after three hours of YouTube videos is a fully-qualified professional, thus demonstrating how the Government has raised aspirations for all–will quickly pop in and stuff a vaccine impregnated ice cube up the recipients arsehole.

This will of course not be much of a stretch for a former turkey packer. They will probably already have strong fingers.

Then, they will simply be wheeled out to their car and left to thaw out, now completely safe and immunised. And possibly traumatised.

The Government has been assured by Serco that this entire process is foolproof and that nothing could possibly go wrong. However, when it does go wrong, there are contingencies written into the contract to ensure that Serco are given another £8 billion to try again.

Thank you for attending the press conference. I will now take the questions we approved and answer them in a politically expedient fashion, i.e. complete lies with not much regard to what the question actually asked was.


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